Easy A (2010)- A Review

Easy A

Starring:- Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes, Stanley Tucci, Lisa Kudrow, Thomas Haden Church, Malcolm McDowell. 
Director:- Will Gluck

As I flicked through the TV listings as I aimlessly do on lazy Sunday evenings, I hopefully glanced at Film4. I am usually greeted with Transformers 12 or the Transporter Reinvented, at which I instantly switch to endless repeats of QI. This time I came across "Easy A". Hmmm. Not heard of that one. After a quick read of the bio I thought it would be quite a nice film for the aforementioned lazy Sunday evening. I have mentioned previously that I always watch films with an open mind no matter what other reviewers have said. I felt it wouldn't tax my brain too much, so I keyed it in.

Easy A is essentially a reworking of Hestor Prynne's 'The Scarlett Letter' and follows clean cut high school student, Olive (Emma Stone), as she seeks to improve her social standing, not to mention her financial one. After lying to her best friend Rhiannon (Aly Michalka) about losing her virginity to a community college freshman, the school rumour-mill goes into overdrive instantly transforming her from nobody to foxy temptress. Lie follows lie, social standing alters and oddly, the money starts to roll in as Olive revels in her new found wealth and social standing, not realising just how close to the edge of the cliff she really is.

Easy A is entertaining throughout and stylishly made, small details such as the slanted titles, and the webcast narration spring to mind. Easy A isn't hilarious by any means, but it is light-hearted with some funny moments, and yet does have a bit of bite. 

Olive loves her new life. Catapulted into the limelight she is initially in control, confident she can restore whatever enjoyable damage she does. However, very quickly she loses control, in the process losing her friends and reputation. Easy A raises an interesting question which I have often thought about, and that is when a guy sleeps with a lot of women he is celebrated as a stud, yet when a women sleeps with a lot of men she will be derided as a slut. Polar opposites despite both parties doing exactly the same thing. The herd mentality, people living off tittle-tattle, believing absolute rubbish is portrayed better than any other medium I have seen. It shows people's general inability to stand out from the crowd and actually question things. 

I won't deny that I enjoyed Easy A, but I found a few pitfalls difficult to ignore. Olive herself is far, far too clever for the role she plays. I doubt very much whether a real teen in a similar position would deal with the derision Olive faces so coolly. Olives parents, interesting characters portrayed by Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson, are initially reasonably funny when Olive starts her 'transformation'. However, as the crisis escalates they maintain their blasé stance. Now, being a parent myself, I doubt whether I would react as they do! They barely speak to her about her problem, instead laughing it off, when in reality parents would be climbing the walls.

One of my bug bares is the 'tagging on' of a love story at the end of a film to fulfil the sop-factor. So many Hollywood films fall into this trap, and Easy A is no exception. Dear Hollywood director, if you must include a needless love story, please let it smoulder through the film, not just Bostick it on at the end. We see Lisa Kudrow, playing Phoebe (can she do anyone else?), very late on in the film as a guidance counsellor- a role which could very easily have been played by someone else. Don't blink or you'll miss Malcolm McDowell playing the headmaster. Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), whilst he gets unfairly embroiled with the Kudrow fiasco at the end of the film, he gives a good performance as the 'I don't care, but really I do' teacher, but seems to flit in and out of the picture.

Now after reading the pitfalls you would be forgiven for thinking that I didn't like the film. I did like it. I liked the premise of be careful what you wish for, and it is fantastic at showing how the rumour mill can be so dangerous to one's reputation. I loved the fact that Olive's reputation became so dirtied, despite her having done absolutely nothing. The film showed the annoying herd mentality of the human race to perfection, and that is the whole point.

Worth a watch.

3.5 stars

   

Serpico (1973) Review

Serpico (1973)
Starring:- Al Pacino, John Randolph, Jack Kehoe
Directed by:- Sidney Lumet

A long time ago I gave up 'expecting' anything from films. All too often I would sit down to a supposedly excellent film, a classic even, and it would fail to deliver. Serpico doesn't fall into that bracket. I enter into films with an open, impartial mind, and thankfully Serpico delivered everything I hoped it would be.

Serpico is the true to life tale of Frank Serpico, a New York cop determined to expose corruption that is seemingly rife throughout the force. With few friends on the force, and unable to trust anybody, it becomes an almost impossible task. We see Serpico initially as a fresh faced young cop, eager to make a difference as he makes his way in his new job. As the job takes its toll, Serpico alters accordingly becoming aloof and hardened he uncovers the scale of the task facing him.

The plot is decent enough, and displays innovation. I may be right in saying that this may be one of the first films to start with a scene from the end, as we see a bloodied Serpico hauled into the hospital, unsure whether he will live or die. However, this film is not about the plotlines. It is purely about Pacino. He gives an absolute masterclass- a real treat. He becomes Serpico, mind, body and spirit. I can honestly say that I don't think that I have seen a more accomplished character development. Visually Pacino is completely transformed from effectively Michael Corleone, to a frustrated, battle-hardened, full-beard wearing vigilante style cop. Initially Serpico is free-wheeling, free-spirited young buck, who enjoys life outside the force. Serpico buys a sheepdog puppy, and makes friends outside of his usual social circles; displaying a sweet nature to his character. The more corruption he uncovers, the more hardened, and frustrated he becomes. Serpico becomes a hate figure in the force, constantly fearing for his life- director Lumet manages to build the paranoia to intolerable levels. Serpico scratches around for friends, finding few, and as a viewer I was living Serpico's pain- who could he trust? We are left wondering whether Serpico can trust anybody, and just how high does the corruption go?

Watch this film if only for Pacino playing a tough man who stands up for what is right- no matter what.

4 Stars

Have You Seen Rick Moranis?

Last weekend my family and I sat down to watch some evening telly, and on popped classic 80s movie Ghostbusters (1984). I saw Rick Moranis' endearing, childlike face and wondered what the hell happened to him? The last thing I knew was that he was in every big movie of the 80s and early 90s, then suddenly he fell off the Hollywood cliff side into cinematic oblivion. Have you wondered the same recently? Well wonder no more.... At Celluloid Film we like to get the big scoops and we've managed to track him down- glimpsing the great man putting his rubbish out at his Manhattan residence! The legend lives on! Seriously though, what happened?

Turn your heads back to the 80s. Imagine the stonewashed denim, the hair, the makeup, the shoulder pads... and that was just the men. Flick your quiff from your eyes, park the Quattro and go and see Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, or the aforementioned Ghostbusters. Moranis broke into the industry through SCTV, delighting viewers with his impressions of Woody Allen, David Brinkley and George Carlin. He created a sketch called Great White North featuring the characters Bob and Doug McKenzie, who grew so popular CBC scheduled 90 minute programmes for the USA in 1981. This led to his first major film role in Strange Brew (1983). He went from strength to strength, generally playing his signature helpless, likeable nerd role notably in Ghostbusters, Spaceballs and the Honey I... franchise.

Things seemingly couldn't go wrong for Moranis. Happily married, two kids, major Hollywood film star. In 1991 tragedy struck. His wife Anne was diagnosed with breast cancer and died. Moranis carried on working, making The Flintstones (1994) as a barely recognisable Barney Rubble, mainly because he wore a blonde wig and was without his trademark glasses. By 1996-97 Mornais has since admitted that he began to step back from the film industry. "I'm a single parent and I found it too difficult raising my kids and travelling making movies at the same time. So I took a little break, which turned into a big break. I found that I didn't really miss it".

Rick Moranis officially retired from showbusiness in 1997. He has since been credited with voice over roles on Brother Bear, and has released a musical record called the Agoraphobic Cowboy. However, it doesn't seem the legend from the 80s will make a major comeback any time soon. Ah well, we'll have to be satisfied with his classic movies from the 80s. I'll put my feet up and relive my childhood...

Top Ten Funniest Films Ever Made!

The Funniest Films Ever Made!

Here's my list of the Top Ten funniest films ever made!!!!

10. 

Austin Powers (1997). Crazily funny series by Mike Myers. Building on his success from Wayne's World he brought his brand of humour to a truly worldwide audience. Shag-a-delic baby yeah!!!




9. 

Team America: World Police (2004). Captures the political zeitgeist, oh, and it's painfully funny and painful to watch!

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8. 

Ace Ventura (1994). Aaaaaaallllllrrighty then!!!!!!!!!!!

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7. 

Hot Fuzz (2007). Just seeing Nick Frost run through that fence was enough for me. Love the way Simon Pegg makes his films and TV series. If you liked this, you'll love Spaced.

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6. 

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004). Possibly the most quotable movie in this list and it's a pity I couldn't place it higher. Infinitely silly and yet slightly believable. Just hope the sequel can live up this gem. Ferrell = Legend

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5. 

Dumb and Dumber (1994). Are these guys the dumbest men in the world? Quite possibly. Jim Carrey's finest hour, ably supported by Jeff Daniels. You gotta love the scene when they get pulled over by the cop on the bike....

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4. 

Borat (2006) shows just how clever and ingenious Sacha Baron Cohen really is. Following on from his Ali G persona, Borat is dispatched to the USA. Just to sit back and let this work of art wash over you is such a treat. See just how silly people can be when they are pointed in the right (or wrong) direction. Scarily and worryingly real.

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3. 

The crew and passengers are in trouble as the pilot is taken ill, but the only pilot on board is afraid of flying! Airplane (1980) is a laugh a minute- and one of those films that you can see over a 100 times and still see new gags. Very well layered, very clever, very silly- very funny

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2. 

"Bwian eh? Your father was a Woman?" Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979) caused huge controversy when it first hit our screens in 1979, and almost wasn't made, but thank god it was! The Pythons are at their genius best making everyone laugh whilst poking fun with the authorities. The script and plot are as wonderfully surreal as the jokes are intelligent. A delight.

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1. 

The Naked Gun (1988) is, in my opinion, easily the funniest film ever made- far outstripping even the geniuses from Monty Python. Everything from the way Leslie Nielsen plays Frank Drebin to the gag-a-line plot is absolutely hilarious! A personal favourite would be when Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) is leafing through the the papers after Drebin 'saved' the Queen from an assassination attack, "I hate the way they splash this stuff all over the papers, you, with the Queen of England, her legs straddled round you Frank... and they call that news...." Absolute genius, absolutely the best. I've watched this film over a 100 times and it's still brilliant.

Ten Hard to Understand Films

Ten Hard to Understand Films

We've all been there, sitting watching a film and suddenly we realise, "What the Hell is going on here????" Sound familiar??? Well here are ten films that are somewhat hard to understand!!!

1. 

Mulholland Dr. (2001)

David Lynch's tour de force about a woman slipping in and out of reality in the depths of Hollywood. If you can understand this on the first viewing quick- write a book- as you're cleverer than most of us!!! Apparently the key to the film is in the red lamp at the start of the movie....

2.

Vanilla Sky (2001)

See Tom Cruise as a successful business whose life is stripped bare after a car crash with a lover.

3.

Donnie Darko (2001)

It seems 2001 was a great year for mind blowing films as Richard Kelly serves up this masterpiece about a troubled teenager dealing with visions of a bizarre white rabbit that makes him commit various crimes. Gyllenhaal's best performance by miles.

4.

Inception (2010)

One of Christopher Nolan's (The Dark Knight) many masterpieces- surely this makes him one of the best directors of modern times???

5.

Memento (2000)

Completely original filming style, this movie is known as the film that was made in reverse. Follow Guy Pearce piece together the clues to find his wife's killer.

6.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Kubrick at his ever confusing best. HAL the computer races the humans to find the placers of the monolith. Confused already? Wait til you see it!

7.

The Usual Suspects (1995)

The story of five career criminals caught in a twisted plot that left people dead and a boat destroyed. Think beyond your wildest dreams then treble it.

8.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Another fittingly Kubrick entry banned until 2000, the film caused and causes uproar even now. Follow Alex DeLarge and his brand of ultraviolence as his band of droogs wreak havok in futuristic Britain. Prepare to be shocked and I mean it.

9.

Pi (1998)

Darren Aronofsky's  (Black Swan, Requiem For  Dream) film about a paranoid mathematician trying to unlock the anagrams of the universe. Bring your thinking cap, actually make that bring ten thinking caps.

10.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Jim Carrey proves he is a serious actor as well as a comic genius.

Well there we are... ten mind blowing films to enjoy. There is no particular order, and there are probably more confusing films out there and if you understand this lot there are alot more to enjoy!!!

Ten Most Expensive Films Ever Made!

Top 10 Most Expensive Films Ever Made!!!

Ever wondered which Hollywood blockbuster cost the most to make? Well here you go! The list has been adjusted to account for inflation. We can't get the absolute cost to the dollar (or even to the closest million) due to the shadowy nature of Hollywood accounting- but here we go anyway....

10. Tied
   

Tied for tenth position are Spiderman 2 (2004) and King Kong (2005) with an adjusted budget of $247 million.

9.

  

John Carter (2012) weighs in at number 9 with a budget of $254 million. Is known also to be one of Hollywood's biggest ever flops. Oh dear.

8.

Avatar (2009) comes 8th with an adjusted budget of $258 million. Avatar 2 is reported to be appearing in 2016

7.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) is 7th with $261 million.

6.

Waterworld (1995) arrives at number 6, just escaping the top five, but killing Costner's career in the process with a budget of $264 million.

5.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is in the top five spending $272 million.

4.

Tangled (2010) is fourth but is the most expensive animation with $278 million.

3. 

Spiderman 3 (2007) makes the top 3 with a budget of $290 million.

2. 

Titanic (1997) spends an adjusted figure of $291 million.

1.

And the winner is......

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007) tops the list with a budget of $338 million- top that!!!!

Competition Time!!!! Win a FREE Book!

Roll Up! Roll Up! It's competition time! 

                                                        

Winners will receive a FREE copy of my recently reviewed book- Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman. All you have to do is answer this simple question:-

Which RockStar was born Vincent Fournier? Was it:-

a). Axl Rose

b). Alice Cooper

c). Meat Loaf

All answers to be sent to stevenlomax1984@gmail.com

Competition closing date is 31st December 2013 at midnight.

Thank you for your entries!

Chuck Klosterman- Fargo Rock City- Book Review

When I found Chuck Klosterman's Fargo Rock City on the bookshop shelf I was intrigued. Hmmm, a book about one man's relationship with 1980s Hair/Glam Metal. I immediately bought the book, and devoured the first 50 pages before I left the shop!

Fargo Rock City is billed as a "Heavy Metal Odyssey In Rural North Dakota", as Chuck Klosterman fights his way through the 1980s Metal scene. There can be no denying that Klosterman definitely knows his subject matter. The book is bursting at the seams, jammed packed with anecdotes and rock knowledge. The work is set against Klosterman's own upbringing in the not-so-rocking farmland that is North Dakota. This is where the book works best. Klosterman can be interesting and insightful when he links his own upbringing and experiences to the music he grew up listening to. 

Klosterman, however, seems to be the ultimate in literary dichotomies. On the one hand his prose is intellectual, informative and even humourous in places. When I started the book I felt it could be one of those that you just can't put down. This joy soon turned to despair as it soon became apparent that he can be extremely frustrating and tedious. There is a particularly annoying chapter where he catalogues his favourite 1980s Metal albums replete with the amount of money he would to be paid to never listen to the album again. Initially I thought it was a top ten, but oh no, seemingly dozens of albums went by. I'm sorry to say that I was too tired for that part and skipped it. Klosterman seemed at times to be lost down a blind alley with no way out. 

I would however recommend the book to rock fans, although not to general members of the public. The book is great for rock knowledge, but is easily 50 to 100 pages too long. 

Chuck Klosterman, Fargo Rock City, 2001.

2.5 stars

Great Rock Songs From The Past- Rolling Stones- Gimme Shelter

Check out this searing track from the Rolling Stones released in 1969. Amazing to think that in the seven years since their formation in 1962, they went from doing bluesy cover versions to absolute tour de forces like Gimme Shelter.

Cannabis Legalised in Uruguay

The government in Uruguay has broken new ground recently by decriminalising the cultivation and sale of cannabis. Users may buy up to 40g per month, and possess up to 6 plants of their own. 

It takes a brave and progressive government to take such measures. The usual naysayers have been weighing in with their usual diatribe. They feel that it is a very dangerous ruling. I see their point as it may lead to an initial increase in usage of the drug. However, I feel that the complete opposite will happen in the long term. The problem with the illegal drugs 'industry' is that it is unregulated. By bringing cannabis under government control has several benefits. The production of the drug can be controlled and made as safe as possible. They can carry a government warning and an advised dosage. From a financial standpoint, a large amount of money can be gained through tax revenue. At the moment the drug lords do not care what kind of rubbish they are putting into their product, but if it was brought under government control this dangerous aspect would be eradicated.

The naysayers will raise the idea that if it is legal, everyone will be taking cannabis. Well, cigarettes are legal, and does everyone smoke? No. Alcohol is legal, but are we a world of alcoholics rolling around the streets absolutely pissed out of our faces? No. The only difference between drugs such as cannabis, cocaine and heroin, and cigarettes and alcohol, is that the latter are legal and controlled. Governments must trust their populations to make their own decisions. People usually make the correct decisions regarding their own life. The few who don't always attract the publicity, making the situation seem worse than it is.  If all drugs were legalised, governments could bring them under their control, make them safer, collect enormous tax revenues, and eradicate the drug dealers. The vast majority of people wouldn't automatically try heroin or cocaine just because it was legal. I certainly wouldn't. 

The Sad Story of Barry Gyles

Little Barry Gyles was sat in his box bedroom, watching the stars on TV. "That'll be me one day Snuggles", he remarked to his teddy bear. Snuggles the teddy bear tutted and rolled his eyes. "Heard it all before, Barry".

                                                     

That night Barry cuddled up to Snuggles, wishing and dreaming that he would be a pop star. Poof! "Argh!", exclaimed Barry coughing on the smoke that filled the tiny boxroom. 

"I am Simone Bogbrush, your Fairy Godmother, Barry", said the apparition, waving his X topped wand, "And I can make your dreams come true!"

"I want to be a popstar!!!" shouted Barry. "I want to be rich and famous. I want girls to swoon after me, I want to be the best known face around!!!"

"I think we can manage that....", replied Madame Bogbrush slyly, "whilst filling my own pockets he, he, he,.. ".

"What was that?" quizzed Barry.

"Oh nothing..."

Sure enough Madame Bogbrush worked her magic and within a year Barry Found himself at the centre of a brand new boyband, the best boyband in the world- The Same Direction. He had riches beyond his wildest dreams, the pick of all of the girls, too many girls some might say and he was famous not just throughout the land, but throughout the whole world!

"Oh Madame Bogbrush", said Barry counting his massive wad of money, "how can I ever thank you". "Oh don't worry about about that Barry", replied Madame Bogbrush, "my pockets are well and truly stuffed!"

"What was that?" quizzed Barry. 

"Oh, nothing..."

Life couldn't get much better for Barry. Hit followed hit, girls followed girls and the coins continued to roll in. Barry could do whatever he wanted, and often did, and everyone still loved him. "Well, he's a lovable rogue isn't he?" or "he's just a young lad enjoying himself". Very well, young lads do like to enjoy themselves, but they have to pay the consequences of their actions. Pity Barry didn't really like consequences. Whilst he was up though, nothing really mattered did it. He loved everything about the adulation he received. Those groupies... Barry loved the attention. Hmmm, the attention. 

"Madame Bogbrush!!!!!!" Barry shouted.

"Yeeeeesss", replied the Fairy Godmother, "What can I do for you my favourite man?"

"Well", Barry shifted uneasily.

"Go on", urged Bogbrush.

"Well", mumbled Barry, "You know when I said I wanted to be famous? Well it's great but sometimes I like to be left alone. You know, go shopping without having those dreadful paparazzi hanging off my tail. I tell you it's bloody scary you know! And getting scared for my safety! And my life!"

"Barry, Barry, Barry", replied Bogbrush. "As ever your wish is my command! A little court based superinjunction should do the trick.... hhhhaaaaaa yaaaaaaa". Bang! Poof! Cheap dry ice and smoke filled the room. "Those pesky little snappers won't bother you now my love!"

"Great stuff!" laughed Barry, kicking his heels as he left the room. 

Pity for Barry though. He didn't understand the workings of fame. He didn't understand that it is give and take. He didn't appreciate that without the press and media that he would become nothing. No pictures of little Barry Gyles and the Great British Public begin to forget who little Barry is. It's a fickle old mistress the fame game. Sorry, but either Barry wanted to be famous or he didn't. We pick up the sad story with Barry looking slightly worse for wear.

"Bogbbbbbrrrusshhhhhh!!!!" Barry wailed.

"Yes my love", Bogbrush tiredly replied.

"What the hell is going on? The hits have dried up, my money is running out and since I caught syphilis the girls just aren't interested! I've just bought a house with a MASSIVE mortgage. What the hell am I going to dooooooooo!" he childishly wined.

"Well now Barry, weren't you the one who didn't want to be photographed? Remember those pesky paps?" replied Bogbrush.

"Yes, but I didn't want everything else to go away- what the hell am I going to do now? I'm down to my last million", Barry gestured.

"Barry, I have other clients you know, my life doesn't revolve around you. I have the new X Factory champion to deal with", replied Bogbrush hurriedly.

"Bam Sailey? Nobody's bothered with her, I'm the important one now sort it out!" bawled Barry. "Please Madame Bogbrush, pretty please, I'll do ANYTHINGGGGGG". 

"Barry stop pulling at my coat tails. I have one last trick, but I'm not sure it'll work...."

"Thank you, thank you..."

"Barry Gyles...." the speaker robotically ordered. "You have been evicted. You must leave the Big Brother House immediately. Your possessions will be returned to you".

Barry got a few pat on the backs before climbing those famous steps slowly, building the tension for the cameras. 

"It's been shite in here", he thought. "But at least I'll get some goddamn attention after all of this hassle".

He pressed the button. Drew a deep breath into his lungs. Butterflies rose into his stomach and excitement burned through his body and the door opened. He shut his eyes, preparing for the inevitable bank of flashes....

"Barry Gyles", ordered the voice. "You have been evicted".

The door opened. Barry opened his eyes. His heart sank. Nothing. Nobody. A solitary cardboard coffee cup blew in the wind. Barry glanced at the security guard to his left hand side.

"What shall I do?" he whimpered. The guard remained silent. "Shall I just... go?"

"I think that's best", the guard replied. 

A little teddy bear sat alone in a boxroom watching Big Brother. "Hehehehe", he tittered.

stevenlomax1984's photostream

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What is So Offensive About That?

We've all sat around the table and Uncle Brian says something a little close to the line, to which Aunty Mary nudges and scalds him, "Briannnnn, you just can't say that, not these days...". "What's the problem? Jesus, I can't say anything nowadays", he replies. Yes it feels a little awkward for everyone else when somebody says something a little offensive. The eyes dart at each other then stare at their dishes. Conversely we have all said something that has been construed as something else, or said something that we didn't mean. To which we all receive the daggers from our partners, or our friend's eye do the darting dance. 

What I am asking here though, is it all that bad to 'offend' people? Is it a hanging offence to be 'offensive'- providing you can deal with the backlash? Now, very few people go out of their way to actively offend people. Indeed these days the opposite is true. It seems as though most people will do anything NOT to offend people or be seen as offensive. How many of us have held our opinions in check because we were worried that certain people may be offended by them? I think as a nation we have become so terrified to offend anyone, that we let everyone get away with anything, rather than taking a tough stance on issues, whether it is on a national level, or in our own lives. On a national scale, the money washed away by the government on the benefit culture is absolutely chronic. The idea is that the government helps those who need it until they can support themselves. However, a monster has been created where we have seemingly an entire generation supported by the state, and will always be that way. Imagine the billions wasted by the government (by government I mean generally, not any individual party) on benefits which will never be recouped. When the current government started to look into individual disability benefit cases more closely the uproar was unbelievable. All I can say is that if you needed disability benefit you would still have got it. Those who didn't need it, wouldn't. Simple. The point is that alot of offence was caused for the benefit of the majority by saving billions that was previously wasted. 

On a personal level, whenever you have had work done on your house for example, how many times have you paid up knowing you weren't completely satisfied, because you didn't want to cause offence? I'll admit that I have done it. Is it really so bad to 'offend' someone? What really happens? You hurt their feelings. Well maybe they need their feelings hurting. The workman who hasn't done as he was asked. The person claiming benefits when they didn't really need it. I am not advocating that we all go around shouting the odds, purposefully offending people, "ha look at those trainers" or "ha they look poor". This would be completely pointless; hurting people's feeling for no good reason. What I am advocating is that when the situation merits it, don't back down and sacrifice your views for fear of being seen as offensive- stand up for your beliefs and back yourself. What's the worst that can happen? For one, if you back yourself, and stand up for what you believe in, people will respect you a whole lot more.  

The Teenage Wasteland- The X Factor Reality

So it's the X Factor live final part 2 tonight (X Factor trying to drag things out to maximise the viewing figures? Never...) and who's going to win? Nobody number 1, or nobody number 2? You, like me, could be forgiven for not giving a flying whatever about the result. We have been fed the same rubbish for ten years now, and we all know what is going to happen over the next few months. They'll more than likely get the Christmas Number 1, then fade into obscurity.  

However, I wanted to know what happens to the X Factor contestants who make the live shows, and even the final 3- what has happened to these people since their jaunt at fame. We all know the big acts that X Factor has produced. Leona Lewis, One Direction, JLS and erm... I'm struggling now... erm, Diana Vickers???? Can a decentish album and an appearance in a musical really be termed as a success? I suppose it is when you compare her plight with some of the other finalists of years gone by. Let's begin with the classic X Factor loser Steve Brookstein, who was unceremoniously dropped by his label and now entertains himself by picking fights on Twitter. Then there's Eoghan Quigg, last seen at Pontins performing on the same bill as a performing dog (and no, not Pudsey; a different performing dog!). No doubt realing from being reviewed as the 'worst album in the history of recorded sound' by Peter Robinson from NME. Arguably the most talented of all of the X Factor-ites was Joe McElderry. However, after being pipped to the Christmas Number 1 by Rage Against The Machine in 2009 (get in), he has also been dropped by his record label. Afro sporting Jamie Archer from the same series was spotted 'performing' in the Chicago Rocks of Yeovil and Stourbridge, ahhh the glamour. Katie Waissel has been repeatedly pelted with bananas and claims to be unable to leave the house. Bet she's glad she entered. In 2011, Irish waubler Mary Byrne claimed to have been paid only £7000 despite being on the X Factor tour and commanding £5000 per show! 

There are some contestants who have done alright, but not great. Acts such as Chico, who claims to have earned over a million quid since 2006. His highlight no doubt being his appearance in Aladdin at Darlington a few Christmases ago. Shayne Ward has had a few albums out, none of which could be termed as 'good'. The X Factor anomalies surely must be Jedward, who despite having no talent whatsoever, except the talent to be a couple of cretins, earned over £3 million in 2010 alone. Where's the justice? Stacey Solomon has fallen off the music radar, but continues to get appearances on shows like I'm A Celebrity...

And these so-called 'acts' are the ones we can remember! Think of the ones we can't remember. Actually, no, don't. Although I don't feel sorry for the X Factor rejects- it was their choice to try out for the show- it must be difficult for them to readjust to the normalities of life. For a split second they have been in the public eye and shown the nice side of fame- the cars, clothes, if not the money. They start to get used to it. They start to like it. Then suddenly on a Sunday evening they are voted out and cast into the scrapheap. They are tearfully interviewed by Dermot O'Leary, who asks them what their plans are, to which they reply, erm, well I have a few things lined up, sob, which really means- "I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE- HELP!!!!!!". They are forced to return to normal life having briefly tasted the fame game, then have had it snatched away mercilessly. If that doesn't do damage to someone I don't know what does. Yes they have the X Factor tour if they are lucky, but that is just prolonging the agony. 

We the viewing public are just as much to blame. Just look at the winners. Invariably they have the Xmas number 1, then they gently fade to nothing. Thanks alot, now get lost. It seems if they are on our screens we love them, if they are not, we just don't care. All we really want is to greedily look forward to next year, to get our teeth stuck into a fresh batch of X Factor-ites.

Of course the X Factor, whether you like it or not, is a great show- well made, and more importantly, well sold. Ideal respite from those cold winter nights. But at what cost? The lives of the contestants are ruined from the second they get voted off. We are forced to watch the same crap format year on year. The music scene at the moment is at best patchy. We are not fed decent stuff. To find decent stuff, which is out there I grant you, you must go looking for it. Or the final option- listen to good stuff from the past, but that doesn't take us anywhere. Let's remember who the real X Factor winners are. One Direction? Leona Lewis? Nah. The real money flows to Monsieur toilet brush hair himself. Simon Cowell. Who has single handedly ruined music for a generation. How do I get into music, do I form a band and get there the hard way through endless gigs in bars and clubs? No!!! Go on X Factor for the quick fix and be as crap as everyone else. Don't be surprised to see Sam Bailey's album in the bargain bucket this time next year.  

The Fear- A Short Story

The Fear

By Steven Lomax

They came for us in the middle of the night. Their sinister entrance to the flat caused minimal noise or commotion. We instantly knew why they had come but it was a little surprisingly as we were only minor figures in the resistance movement. Surely they had bigger targets elsewhere? When i opened my eyes I saw two clear blue eyes looking directly at me. I made to shout, but a cold leather glove stifled any screams I may have had in my body.

I immediately looked over at David. His arm was twisted viciously behind his back. His mouth had been gagged, so he too was silent. I think we both knew what our fate would be. David’s breathing quickened as the fear really set in. They yanked him onto his feet and began to march him out of the bedroom door. He began a token struggle, as if it was expected of him. He was overpowered easily by the agents. They landed powerful blows to his stomach, bending him double in the process. A side hand jab fell onto his shoulders, briefly knocking him unconscious. The two agents hustled him out into the hall way, his feet dragging behind.

My turn. I decided to offer any form of resistance to these men would be a folly. I was gagged, and blindfolded to boot. The fear and panic began to well up inside my body. I had no idea where my feet were going. A chilly, hard surface underneath my bare feet led me to believe I was being led through the kitchen and out into the hall way. As we left the flat the pace quickened. I wasn’t going fast enough so the men lifted me up and began to sprint to the stairwell. I could hear David’s screams in the distance. He was protesting, and fighting back. Typical David, a fighter to the last. His screams got shriller, and louder still until I heard a harsh snapping sound, followed by a bloodcurdling cry, full of the highest anguish. God himself in heaven surely would have heard.

I began to feel my own pain was not far away. Compliance, although cowardly, was the best policy. I felt myself being carried outside the flats. The cold air hit me in the face. A car door opened and I was bundled into the back. The car fired into life and I felt angry about my own inability to fight back like David. He was a true hero. Since the People’s Party had gained power, everything had changed. The nation was no longer one of peace and freedom. They took advantage of the dire economic situation and were elected on a reform ticket. However, their only reforms had been to remove personal liberty, restrict movement and association, and prevent true freedom. Their secret police had ears everywhere. A mist of fear had descended wherever you cared to look. The Resistance was the only beacon of hope. David and I joined apprehensively, but both knew the dangers. We knew the risks, but both would rather die than be part of the system.

The fear of not knowing where we were going was worse than any pain. I had heard the stories about people who ‘disappeared’. The government was brutal, make no mistake. My hands began to go numb, and my panic soured to new levels. I suddenly thought of David, and his own pain, and cursed myself. The silence made it all the worse and the driver did not say a word, compounding fear. I shouted at him, called him a traitor. He just ignored me. He was following orders.

The car turned off the road, and continued along a rougher terrain. We pulled up with a little skid. I imagined the dust from the tyres drifting into the distance. I heard and felt my door open, and I was pulled out roughly. My body whacked the floor with a dull thud. Pain engulfed my body, the impact knocked my breath from my lungs. An agent dragged me across the floor. I tried to get up, but it was impossible. My flimsy t-shirt began to tear away, burning my skin across the concrete. I whinced at the pain, but drew strength from David.

Finally they stopped and sat me against something soft but strong. I knew it was David. What had they done to him? He was barely conscious. He muttered something, but I couldn’t pick it up. Suddenly my blindfold was torn off my face. I looked around so see the high walls of an abandoned building site. The would-be houses had been forgotten and did not even have roofs. At least God would see whatever was going to happen. These men would one pay for their mistakes one day. I made to hug my husband, but an agent threw me off. I expected the men to lift David’s blindfold. Instead they covered his whole head with a cloth bag. He began to sob with panic as the realisation finally set in as to what was about to happen. I began to cry with pain. My soul mate was about to leave forever. I bolted forth, gripped his clothes and tried for a quick getaway. It was useless. I got a good thump in the face as punishment.

An agent withdrew his revolver from its holster, and removed the safety catch. He held out his arm, and took aim. David held his breath, sank into himself and cried out. I heard a deafening noise then a momentary scream. David bolted back. A small hole had appeared in the cloth bag, and steady flow of blood cascaded out. I shouted to heaven with an inexhaustible pain. He had been taken away from me forever. A huge pressure fell onto my chest as a wept uncontrollably. I cried out again with a primal scream. I held him in vain, willing him to still be alive. His head slumped over from the back of his shoulders, bobbing up and down as I shook him over and over. I leant him back over and cried into his chest. As I looked up through my sodden hands I saw the barrel of the revolver in the agent’s hands. My time was up. I would be next. I would join David. I would be another number. I was about to disappear. The agent drew aim. I sank into my shoulder, waiting for the inevitable. Click. I froze for a split second then heard roaring laughter from the agents. They walked past me and kicked dust in my face.

The government agents had made a grave error when they kept me alive. I held my dead husband’s body and wept over him. In that moment I pledged to avenge his death, and gain revenge on the forces who did this. They had removed my heart and soul, now I would do the same to them.